I'm a strong believer in moving on from things. I tend not to focus on mistakes people make and try to let them be in the past. It seems to really silly to me to hold grudges against people when they can't change the past. In saying that, I definitely cannot say I practice what I preach. I constantly beat myself up over things I've done in the past. 

A year and a half ago, I met a man (who we will call Henry). At first, Henry and I were just friends. Henry and I hung out, along with our other friends, almost every day. We lived about a minute away from each other and we became part of a really tightly-knit circle of friends. We were in constant contact and, over time, feelings began to develop. Of course, at the time, I was still broken in a million little pieces over my last relationship. Everything I did was centered around my ex and I just couldn't see myself with anyone but him.

One thing led to another and I got myself in a situation where I was telling Henry I had feelings for him that I guess, looking back on it, I didn't truly have. I was projecting my broken heart on to this poor guy and leading him on without really knowing it. Back then, I wasn't in control of myself. I was making bad choices, I was drinking too much, doing drugs and being an all-round terrible person. I know now that I was being self-destructive and that I wasn't seeing the consequences of my actions. Things ended messily with Henry and I when I started fooling around with another one of our friends. Understandably, Henry was extremely hurt by this. This guy had opened up to me, poured his heart out to me and all I had given him in return was a drunken cuddle-buddy and a rotten friend. Being the gentleman that he is, Henry bowed out gracefully, being completely understanding when I was going total crazy irrational bitch on him. We stayed friends, but we both kept our distance.Understandably, things had changed between us.

Fast forward to now. I'm finally over the heartbreak. I'm stronger, I'm rational and I'm ready to move forward with my life. I've put the past in the past and I'm trying to build a positive future for myself. I'm much closer to being the person I want to be and I'm starting to believe that I can be with somebody else. Specifically Henry (surprise!).

I want to take a short intermission here to describe this boy to you before we get back to the story. This is the part of the post where my love of lists comes in handy:

Okay that's enough for now. There are a thousand more points I could make here but it's time to get back to the story.

Honesty being the best policy, I decided I might as well tell Henry how I felt. Because I am still an irresponsible wreck, I worked up the courage to do so by drinking. Big mistake. Henry, as he has every right to do, has moved on. I guess being around someone who broke your heart sort of numbs you to any feelings you had towards them because he no longer feels the way he used to. I've lost my chance with possibly the best man I have met in my life because I was so hung up on someone who didn't matter in the slightest.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I feel so completely consumed with regret about what I did to Henry and what I lost because of the way I treated him that I'm sort of lost. I wish I could take it all back and I'm sort of stuck between trying to convince myself I can change his mind and trying to convince myself that I don't deserve him. I know that he's forgiven me. He's told me he has and I believe him. But I don't forgive me for what I did to him. It's a lot harder to move on from someone when it feels like you never really had them. I wish I could show him the real potential we have but I know the best thing for both of us is to do what is best for him. It's the least he deserves after everything he went through with me.