(DISCLAIMER: not completely sober word vomit)
There are some people reading this that I worry about seeing my writing. These people are those closest to me right now and who care about me and want me to be happy. For those of you who are in that category, I want you to understand that this is a way for me to vocalise the things that are in my head that I would be thinking regardless of you reading this. I'm not posting my feelings on here as a cry for help. Anything but! I'm saying the things I do on here so that I can live a (relatively) normal life without what's going on in my head weighing me down.


I'm in the middle. I'm stuck in the middle ground of every important aspect of my life. I thought I was stuck between the guy I was in love with and the guy I could be in love with. No. Tonight has been a night of revelations and difficult decisions.

I told the man I thought I would love for the rest of my life the way he had made me feel for the first time in 2 years. I had been so afraid of the way he would react up until now but I finally managed to explain to his face exactly how much he had hurt me. Broken me. Scarred me forever. I could finally say to his face that I felt like a prostitute and his mind games had such a taxing effect on me that I had no control over my actions towards him and his life and that it had all been too much. For the first time ever, I was the one that left the conversation with dignity. I wouldn't call it a win, but I'd call it progress. Something I don't feel I've had in months.

Then as I was on an all time high, my potential future shoots back with a punch to the gut. I knew he'd found someone else. I knew he'd been seeing someone else but he didn't feel he could tell me. The thing that hurt me wasn't that he thought he could hide it from me, it was that he thought he had to. I would have felt much better knowing that he was happy with someone stable and sane than with me anyway. but he had to hide it. I had to drag it out of him and he made me feel like a piece of meat. He called me "attractive" as if that's what was the  only that that would matter to me.

"I'm seeing her but, like, I still think you're attractive"

That's not what I wanted to hear. I don't want to be his second best. I don't want to be his dirty little secret. I did that for 6 months and that's what's made me the  shell of a person that I am.

I want to mean more to someone.