There are few things less upsetting than being unjustifiably frustrated at someone. I get this thing when I’m with certain groups of people that I call dissociation. I don’t know if there’s a clinical term for it or if it’s even a real thing because  it’s never been something I’ve been able to express with words.
Sometimes I’ll be in a social situation with people I love and care about who I know love and care about me but i find myself unable to take part in the conversation or relate to anything that is going on around me. For those of you who know me, you will know that I’m generally a loud, outgoing person who tends to be at the centre of lost conversations but when I dissociate, I seem to fade into the background of my own life and disappear.
I know it sounds silly because there are always people in conversations who aren’t the most vocal but at these times, it’s like I feel a physical and psychological barrier going up between myself and the people I’m with. It’s not only that I have nothing to contribute, it’s that I don’t know how to contribute and, oftentimes, the very fact that the conversation continues on without me frustrates me beyond belief. Reading this back I think I sound petty and ridiculous and self-centred but this is just a train of thought and if I can’t vocalise it here, I’m not sure where else I can.
For now the plan is to just keep calm in these situations and either wait until I feel able to participate again or do as I have tonight and remove myself entirely from the social setting and reflect on how juvenile I am being.
I would LOVE to know if anyone gets this and what it might be and how others cope with it so please please please get in touch.