Life According to Nobody

I get exhausted trying to make small talk to people for hours on end. I really hate it when you sit with someone and they tell you the same story over and over and over again because they'd rather hear the sound of their own voice than some peace and quiet. My boyfriend and I were discussing this the other day and he told me he didn't feel uncomfortable when neither of us were talking. I hadn't realised it up until that point but, looking back on it, I hadn't realised how often we end up sitting in silence. It's not that we have nothing to talk about. We are just able to enjoy each other's company without constantly filling the air with pointless noise.

 I'm used to not taking part in conversations. I keep quiet and listen. Not because I don't have anything to add or because I feel uncomfortable around people. I just don't feel the need to be constantly engaged in conversation. I don't feel uncomfortable sitting quietly with somebody, enjoying their company without having to endure their conversation.

Maybe there's something wrong with the wiring in my brain that causes me to lack the need for communication with others. Maybe the people I spend time with just have too much to say. Either way, I find myself getting wound up by spending long periods of time with some people in my life. I don't blame them, (well I do at the time). It's not necessarily their fault. My family have grown up surrounded by lots of people, being taught that it's polite to make small talk and keep a conversation going.

The whole stigma surrounding "awkward silences" drives me crazy. I believe that there's a great comfort that comes from silence. The people I feel happiest with, I can sit alone with, sharing our thoughts. But most importantly, having thoughts. I struggle to comprehend how people are able to keep conversations going for hours on end. I take time to think things through. I can't come up with immediate responses to the 100 questions that are thrown in my direction during a conversation with my mother.

Don't get me wrong, I can be a grumpy cow. I snap at people when I'm tired or hungry. I'm no model citizen but nothing frustrates me more than somebody trying to spark up  conversation with me when I'm trying to read. I went out to sit alone on the balcony and read my book today. My aunt appeared at the balcony door (they had been out on the balcony on the other side of the house) and asked me why I was sat on my own when they were all out having a chat. I told her I just wanted some peace and quiet to read so she decided to round everyone up and bring them out on to the balcony beside me. Peace shattered.

I think it must be quite frustrating for people who talk all the time to spend time with me. I sit in silence, without even acknowledging people as they come and go. I know it's rude. Small talk is just part of the basic manners that your parents teach you when you're little. Chew with your mouth closed, say please and thank you, never sit in silence.

I'd like to make a request to those of you who spend time with me on a regular basis. Please believe me when I say that I don't intend to be rude. I'm not ignoring you and I'm not in a bad mood. Sometimes I just need some quiet time. I don't hate you, you probably haven't done anything wrong. I dont want you to take offence to this, but I enjoy my company more than yours. There's only one person that I'd be happy to be with 24 hours a day. Just like me, he enjoys the quiet.

When he was here with me, we would float side by side in the pool, each of us reading. Together but not talking. Just being with each other. I never thought I could spend so much time exclusively with one person without them driving me up the wall. I've never enjoyed being around anyone before. I normally endure people until I can find a reason to escape. Things have changed now. Instead of dreaming of getting away from everyone to be alone, I dream of running away to him.

I do, however, believe in the power of effort. Think of Oprah Winfrey. She was born into an underprivileged community, with little hope of excelling as an African-American woman in the deep south. She worked hard, earning herself a scholarship into Tennessee State University and going on to become the first black American TV correspondent. She didn't get all that from crossing her fingers and hoping real hard. She put in a hard graft and is now worth billions of dollars. That's right. Billions. Now, if you're seeing dollar signs right now, just hold up a second. 

There's no easy way of getting round the hard work. It's not like you can type in to google 'How to become a billionaire without working' and discover some coveted list of steps to earning your riches overnight. Just like all those crazy weight loss schemes you see in magazines, IT'S A SCAM.

Now, I don't want to shit on people's religious beliefs or cultures, but I strongly disagree with relying on these principles to get you what you want. I completely respect those who follow religious codes concerning morality and the such, but when it gets to the point where you're walking around with a severed rabbit's foot around your neck or celebrating when a bird takes a dump on you, I really believe you've taken it too far. 

No-one is 'destined' to do anything. As the daughter of an engineer, I was told I was 'destined' to have a scientific mind. Here I am, applying for degrees in English Literature and laughing in the face of destiny. We're all born equal, the only that that raises us or lowers us in that hierarchy is our own ambition, actions and effort. Don't let others dictate your future to you and never ever take anything for granted.