There’s something about driving through the mountains that
makes me feel calm. Looking out the window at a sheer face doesn’t scare me or
make me feel claustrophobic like most people. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve
spent so much of my life surrounded by them or because of the extra oxygen from
all the plants on them or whatever but I just feel lighter and more relaxed in
the mountains. There’s an hour and a half car journey between or apartment and
the airport here in Turkey. Most of it is through the mountains and these
journeys are some of the most peaceful memories I have. I think about so many
things in this minibus.
I’ve been doing this journey for years and year and, over
the last few years, I’ve unplugged from the world. I pop in my headphones and
watch out the window as the trees and the mountains disappear behind me into
the horizon. Two years ago, when I loved a boy for the first time, it was this
car journey that helped me realise that. I had Ed Sheeran’s album on blasting
out the noise of my parents’ idle chatter and I just thought. I knew he was
special. He was the only one who could make me smile when I was down, it was
him I turned to when I wanted to chat. He was my world. But I had to leave him
behind. Not a lot of people understood the relationship we had. Some people
thought we were dating, most people just shipped us really hard. I don’t really
know how to describe what we had but I know that some of my happiest memories
ever are with that boy. I’m going to get cliché here and tell you that you
don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. I didn’t appreciate how much I
loved that boy until I was on an airplane leaving him forever.
This story has a happy ending, you’ll be glad to hear. Although
I lost contact with most of my friends from Canada, there’s one person I still
talk to almost every single day. My first live has turned in to my dearest
friend. Even know, I’d do anything for him and we talk as if we haven’t been
apart for a minute. That’s the kind of friendships you need. Make friends for a
lifetime. Although I do still love him with all my heart, it’s a different kind
of love. It’s not boyfriend love, but it’s not brother love either. He’s like
an extension of me. Everything I do, he has to know about. We update each other
on the most mundane things but it’s still so interesting for each other. I know
I didn’t need to write this to tell him how much I care about him because he
knows it already. He’s still my world and I can’t wait to spend New Year’s with
him, making new memories to add to our collection.
On this particular bus ride, I’m looking forward, not back.
Both literally and figuratively. I must admit, it’s a little more scary. The
mountains grow from tiny lumps to giants, looming way over my head. I have so
much to look forward to. I’ve finally got the freedom I’ve dreamed of for so
many years and I have so many ideas zooming through my head as to what I want
to do with it. I’m taking the big step and moving out. I have a gorgeous new
love that makes me laugh and makes me feel pretty and who looks after me (there
may be more about him coming soon). Instead of reminiscing on what I had, I can look forward to what I have
now too. A new city, a new life and a new me. It’s now time for me to make my
own home. I’ve blossomed into an individual with my own thoughts, opinions and
feelings and I’m anxious to get out there and do.
I feel like myself again, after being lost for so long. Some
people may think I’ve changed or I’m acting strange but please, you have to
believe me. I’m me now. The mopey, self-centred, angst teenager you all knew
(and possibly loved) is gone and I’m a new woman. I’m at home in my own body. I
have a strong vision of what I want to do with my future now and, at the end of
this single, 90 minute bus journey, the rest of my life begins. Wish me luck!
