Relationships are hard. When you truly love someone, you'd do anything in your power to make them happy. I recently moved out of my parents home and into a flat on my own in the big city. Don't get me wrong, I love it here. I can do what I want, whenever I want. I'm surrounded by my friends and my boyfriend works just around the corner so I cna see him all the time.
I know I'm going to sound like a whiney bitch who's never happy but I've noticed that the high I'd been riding on all of summer is beginning to plummet and I can feel myself sinking into the all too familiar slump of emptiness. Now, before I say anything more, there are a few things I need to point out.
1. I'm in a happy, loving relationship. The way I feel about him has not changed in the slightest. He still makes me unbelievably happy and I would do anything for him.
2. I am in no way self-diagnosing myself with depression or anything like that. I'm happy. Just a little sad-happy, if you understand.
I've been in Australia for 14 days now. I really want to be full of wanderlust but I just seem to have come to the conclusion that I'm too happy at home to go off exploring new countries. Don't get me wrong , nothing fascinates me more than learning about new cultures but I just don't want to be anywhere but home right now. I miss the comfort of my own bed and the arms of my boy. I'm not ungrateful to my mum for flying me to the other side of the world to see her and explore new places and see new things. I love it here. Brisbane's a beautiful city full of exciting people and wonderful places. But being here makes me a little sad. Maybe more than a little actually. I wish I could share this experience with the man I love. A little piece of me feels like it's missing and I can't truly enjoy all the wonderful opportunities I'm being given here.
[Warning: this ones about to get real soppy and gross and omg please don't read it I'm disgusting.]So let me explain something. First off, it's 3.15am so I can't be held responsible for the things that come out of my mouth. It's the witching hour and this is when all my worst word babies form. I doubt this is worth anyone's time to read and I really feel like I'll regret this in the morning and never want anyone to see the ridiculous things that make their way out of my brain at this hour but fuck it.(I'm writing this to a specific person. Everyone else is welcome to jump on the band wagon and think I'm mental but hey ho)I fall in love with you a little bit more every day. I grew up watching movies where the prince would sweep the girl off her feet and she'd be so madly and deeply in love with him and they'd live happily ever after forever. Not every boy is a prince and not every boy is capable of sweeping girls off their feet. Me especially, I ain't light. Love isn't perfect. It's like water. It ebbs and flows. But let me tell you something I'm learning. Not every second of a relationship is perfect but when the relationship is good, the great moments outshine the nagging and the awkward parts where you bump teeth or make some horrendous noise. When I think about my relationship, I think of all the good things he does. They way he makes me feel special and treats me like his princess. I don't care about the little arguments. Most of the time, I can't even remember what they're about. I'm not perfect and my relationship isn't perfect. But my man is perfect for me and in the end, that's all that really matters.
x
I know I'm going to sound like a whiney bitch who's never happy but I've noticed that the high I'd been riding on all of summer is beginning to plummet and I can feel myself sinking into the all too familiar slump of emptiness. Now, before I say anything more, there are a few things I need to point out.
1. I'm in a happy, loving relationship. The way I feel about him has not changed in the slightest. He still makes me unbelievably happy and I would do anything for him.
2. I am in no way self-diagnosing myself with depression or anything like that. I'm happy. Just a little sad-happy, if you understand.
I've been in Australia for 14 days now. I really want to be full of wanderlust but I just seem to have come to the conclusion that I'm too happy at home to go off exploring new countries. Don't get me wrong , nothing fascinates me more than learning about new cultures but I just don't want to be anywhere but home right now. I miss the comfort of my own bed and the arms of my boy. I'm not ungrateful to my mum for flying me to the other side of the world to see her and explore new places and see new things. I love it here. Brisbane's a beautiful city full of exciting people and wonderful places. But being here makes me a little sad. Maybe more than a little actually. I wish I could share this experience with the man I love. A little piece of me feels like it's missing and I can't truly enjoy all the wonderful opportunities I'm being given here.
[Warning: this ones about to get real soppy and gross and omg please don't read it I'm disgusting.]So let me explain something. First off, it's 3.15am so I can't be held responsible for the things that come out of my mouth. It's the witching hour and this is when all my worst word babies form. I doubt this is worth anyone's time to read and I really feel like I'll regret this in the morning and never want anyone to see the ridiculous things that make their way out of my brain at this hour but fuck it.(I'm writing this to a specific person. Everyone else is welcome to jump on the band wagon and think I'm mental but hey ho)I fall in love with you a little bit more every day. I grew up watching movies where the prince would sweep the girl off her feet and she'd be so madly and deeply in love with him and they'd live happily ever after forever. Not every boy is a prince and not every boy is capable of sweeping girls off their feet. Me especially, I ain't light. Love isn't perfect. It's like water. It ebbs and flows. But let me tell you something I'm learning. Not every second of a relationship is perfect but when the relationship is good, the great moments outshine the nagging and the awkward parts where you bump teeth or make some horrendous noise. When I think about my relationship, I think of all the good things he does. They way he makes me feel special and treats me like his princess. I don't care about the little arguments. Most of the time, I can't even remember what they're about. I'm not perfect and my relationship isn't perfect. But my man is perfect for me and in the end, that's all that really matters.
x
There’s something about driving through the mountains that
makes me feel calm. Looking out the window at a sheer face doesn’t scare me or
make me feel claustrophobic like most people. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve
spent so much of my life surrounded by them or because of the extra oxygen from
all the plants on them or whatever but I just feel lighter and more relaxed in
the mountains. There’s an hour and a half car journey between or apartment and
the airport here in Turkey. Most of it is through the mountains and these
journeys are some of the most peaceful memories I have. I think about so many
things in this minibus.
I’ve been doing this journey for years and year and, over
the last few years, I’ve unplugged from the world. I pop in my headphones and
watch out the window as the trees and the mountains disappear behind me into
the horizon. Two years ago, when I loved a boy for the first time, it was this
car journey that helped me realise that. I had Ed Sheeran’s album on blasting
out the noise of my parents’ idle chatter and I just thought. I knew he was
special. He was the only one who could make me smile when I was down, it was
him I turned to when I wanted to chat. He was my world. But I had to leave him
behind. Not a lot of people understood the relationship we had. Some people
thought we were dating, most people just shipped us really hard. I don’t really
know how to describe what we had but I know that some of my happiest memories
ever are with that boy. I’m going to get cliché here and tell you that you
don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. I didn’t appreciate how much I
loved that boy until I was on an airplane leaving him forever.
This story has a happy ending, you’ll be glad to hear. Although
I lost contact with most of my friends from Canada, there’s one person I still
talk to almost every single day. My first live has turned in to my dearest
friend. Even know, I’d do anything for him and we talk as if we haven’t been
apart for a minute. That’s the kind of friendships you need. Make friends for a
lifetime. Although I do still love him with all my heart, it’s a different kind
of love. It’s not boyfriend love, but it’s not brother love either. He’s like
an extension of me. Everything I do, he has to know about. We update each other
on the most mundane things but it’s still so interesting for each other. I know
I didn’t need to write this to tell him how much I care about him because he
knows it already. He’s still my world and I can’t wait to spend New Year’s with
him, making new memories to add to our collection.
On this particular bus ride, I’m looking forward, not back.
Both literally and figuratively. I must admit, it’s a little more scary. The
mountains grow from tiny lumps to giants, looming way over my head. I have so
much to look forward to. I’ve finally got the freedom I’ve dreamed of for so
many years and I have so many ideas zooming through my head as to what I want
to do with it. I’m taking the big step and moving out. I have a gorgeous new
love that makes me laugh and makes me feel pretty and who looks after me (there
may be more about him coming soon). Instead of reminiscing on what I had, I can look forward to what I have
now too. A new city, a new life and a new me. It’s now time for me to make my
own home. I’ve blossomed into an individual with my own thoughts, opinions and
feelings and I’m anxious to get out there and do.
I feel like myself again, after being lost for so long. Some
people may think I’ve changed or I’m acting strange but please, you have to
believe me. I’m me now. The mopey, self-centred, angst teenager you all knew
(and possibly loved) is gone and I’m a new woman. I’m at home in my own body. I
have a strong vision of what I want to do with my future now and, at the end of
this single, 90 minute bus journey, the rest of my life begins. Wish me luck!
By now, you should all know that I'm a quiet person.My last post was all about my lack of participation on conversations. I seem to have made myself out to be a little bit of a moaner. That's probably true. There's always something i could have a good winge about. But that's not all I am.
I'm a worry guts. The people I love the most mean so much to me. I like to think I know these people fairly well. I've not got a large group of friends, but the friendships I do have have bonds as strong as steel. I really get to know people and grow so attached to them that it hurts me to see them upset. I have a strong sense of empathy, I know when they're down and I would do anything to cheer them up.
But sometimes they can't be cheered up. Either, I'm the one upsetting them, intentionally or otherwise. Or something has happened to them that I can't affect. I would take a bullet for some of the people I'm closest too, but the feeling of helplessness I get when I see them struggling with grief or illness or family issues breaks my heart. I want them to tell me what I can do to make it better but oftentimes, there's nothing. Some people don't like opening up and talking about things that are getting them down. That's understandable, but it hurts me so much to see them change mood so quickly without any warning or explanation. I can't expect everyone to tell me everything that's on my mind.
I just want those people to know how much I love them. Some people, myself included, try to be strong and proud and not ask for help. They struggle through their problems, hiding them from the world to try and brush them under the carpet. But I know from experience how that turns out. During my angsty teenage years, I closed myself off from everybody. As my problems built up, I got more and more stressed, more and more introverted, more and more upset. After years of not talking to anyone about what was upsetting me, boys, family issues, academic stress all swimming about in my head driving me crazy, I exploded. I blew my top at my friends and family. Friends withdrew from me, not wanting anything to do with the girl who had screamed at them over nothing. My family actually wanted to get me psychological help. I'd gone from this quiet, reserved girl to an absolute monster. I would slam doors, scream and shout, ignore them, cry. I lost a grip on reality for a time, swimming about in this seemingly bottomless pit of anger.
Because I refused to talk about what upset me for all those years, I still feel the residual effects. I'm sarcastic, I avoid confrontation and the friends and family who stuck by me through the dark times still give me the odd worried look when I get stressed. I've lost faith in myself and my ability to deal with stress. I don't feel comfortable talking about my feelings with most people.
I wish to make a plea to each and every one of you reading this. If any of you ever feel like you're falling into the same hole I've described, GET HELP. There's no easy solution, but I would hate for any of you to go through what I did. I am always here to listen to anything that any of you need to get of your chest. Even if it's me that's bothering you. Tell me, I want to help. I love you all and I want to look after you when I can. Take care of yourselves.
I'm a worry guts. The people I love the most mean so much to me. I like to think I know these people fairly well. I've not got a large group of friends, but the friendships I do have have bonds as strong as steel. I really get to know people and grow so attached to them that it hurts me to see them upset. I have a strong sense of empathy, I know when they're down and I would do anything to cheer them up.
But sometimes they can't be cheered up. Either, I'm the one upsetting them, intentionally or otherwise. Or something has happened to them that I can't affect. I would take a bullet for some of the people I'm closest too, but the feeling of helplessness I get when I see them struggling with grief or illness or family issues breaks my heart. I want them to tell me what I can do to make it better but oftentimes, there's nothing. Some people don't like opening up and talking about things that are getting them down. That's understandable, but it hurts me so much to see them change mood so quickly without any warning or explanation. I can't expect everyone to tell me everything that's on my mind.I just want those people to know how much I love them. Some people, myself included, try to be strong and proud and not ask for help. They struggle through their problems, hiding them from the world to try and brush them under the carpet. But I know from experience how that turns out. During my angsty teenage years, I closed myself off from everybody. As my problems built up, I got more and more stressed, more and more introverted, more and more upset. After years of not talking to anyone about what was upsetting me, boys, family issues, academic stress all swimming about in my head driving me crazy, I exploded. I blew my top at my friends and family. Friends withdrew from me, not wanting anything to do with the girl who had screamed at them over nothing. My family actually wanted to get me psychological help. I'd gone from this quiet, reserved girl to an absolute monster. I would slam doors, scream and shout, ignore them, cry. I lost a grip on reality for a time, swimming about in this seemingly bottomless pit of anger.
Because I refused to talk about what upset me for all those years, I still feel the residual effects. I'm sarcastic, I avoid confrontation and the friends and family who stuck by me through the dark times still give me the odd worried look when I get stressed. I've lost faith in myself and my ability to deal with stress. I don't feel comfortable talking about my feelings with most people.
I wish to make a plea to each and every one of you reading this. If any of you ever feel like you're falling into the same hole I've described, GET HELP. There's no easy solution, but I would hate for any of you to go through what I did. I am always here to listen to anything that any of you need to get of your chest. Even if it's me that's bothering you. Tell me, I want to help. I love you all and I want to look after you when I can. Take care of yourselves.
