Failure
There's a reason that it has taken me so long to take up blogging. I've wanted to create a blog since back when it was actually cool to blog but something has been holding me back.
I won't let myself fail.
There are a few reasons why I am a procrastinator. Beyond the fact that I am tremendously lazy and it kills me to get out of bed and do still, I won't do things because I'm afraid that they won't be up to the standard I expect from myself. I know I'm capable of great things, everyone is but I'm afraid to put the effort into things in case they don't live up to my standard.
Last year, I was given a writing assignment in English class, I chose to write a script for a screenplay based around the struggles of pregnant woman during the Stone Age. I know, sounds fascinating but that's not the point. I've been interested in writing a screenplay for a few years now and this was the perfect opportunity for me to experiment. I was given a month and a bit to do research and write up rough drafts but I left it all until the last week. I stayed up until 3am the night before it was due spewing garbage that I really didn't care about and I wasn't proud of and my grade reflected that. I know I could have done so much better and I would have enjoyed doing it so much more if I had taken my time but looking back on it, I was afraid that I would spend all that extra time on it and I would have come up with the exact same awful crap.
It's so frightening. Whenever my parents talk to people they meet, they say I'm the smart one but I'm so afraid that I'm not. I think it has something to do with going to a private school, being surrounded by the smartest people I've ever met. It knocks your confidence when you're scoring 87%s when your friends are complaining about a 99%.
It's not just schoolwork I'm scared to fail. I've never tried out for a sports team. Then again, I do hate sports but that's not the point. It's the same with acting. I love to act and always make so many friends on the stage but it takes all my courage to audition.
It's the thought of disappointing myself that drives me away from so much in life and I'm afraid that it's going to do the same with this blog. I don't want to fail myself and the people reading this with bad writing and that's why it's going to take me a while before I can take it in my stride. Basically, this is a long winded way for me to make an excuse for when I miss a weeks post or post late.
But that might never happen, I have great support and encouragement from my friend so I'm hoping that I can get over this fear and get good at this whole bloggy-typy-commitment thing.
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