There's a whole lot of nonsense going on in my head right now. Every time I think about the events of the last few months, I get an achy chest. I guess I'd been getting that for a while, but I had a solution for it before. Now that the solutions gone, I'm kinda stuck avoiding humanity and holding back tears.

Sorry guys, this isn't going to be a cheery one.

There's so much that's happened, most of which I'm not ready to talk about, and certainly not publicly. I've used this blog in the past as motivation for myself but I'm afraid I can't stretch to that right now. I'm really really down. Like bottom-of-a-deep-dark-pit-all-on-my-own down. I know I'm not alone in the world. I know there's people all round me who love me and want to help but I just don't want it. All of my closest friends and family, the ones I know love me the most have reached out to offer a hand but I just don't feel I can take them.

I don't want to blame anybody but myself for the conditions I have found myself in. It's nobody's fault but my own that I can't accept help with my problems. I've relied on having a specific person around to help me forget all the bad that's going on around me for a while now and since that person isn't in my life anymore, I find myself fumbling around for a hand that isn't there.

It's so difficult for me to accept the way things are now because I truly don't know the sequence of events or thoughts or whatever that happened. I've been rash and thoughtless so many times I can't even begin to count. I understand that I'm the cause of us parting and I'll live the rest of my life knowing there are so many things I could and should have done differently.

I think this would be a million times easier if I believed I would act the same way if the situation was reversed. But I know I wouldn't. When you love someone unconditionally, it's irrational. I know in my heart that some things can't be forgiven but I still believe I'd have forgiven the things I did. It's difficult to understand when you've got a biased understanding of a relationship but I know that I never meant to hurt them. Everything I did, even the things I did wrong, I thought were for good. I told myself I was being honest and open an real when in reality, I was hurting the person I loved more than anything.

"I need to put myself first". That's all I'm hearing at the moment. "It gets better", "you'll find happiness again". I know that the people saying these things to me are just trying to help but I can't explain to them its only making me feel worse. I don't want to put myself first because I never have. Not before I was in a relationship and definitely not during it. I dont want it to get better and I don't deserve to be happy because I don't like the person I am. I'm selfish and mean and manipulative and I don'd feel comfortable in my own skin because, if I met me, I wouldn't go near me with a ten-foot pole. I know I'm not a good person and I don't blame him for wanting out. If I've learned anything from this, it's that I should be alone. I don't like the person I am when I interact with others and I don't know how to change.

I do wish I was easy to love, I just wouldn't wish for anyone to have to love me.

It's stupid that I'm crying. I don't know why I'm sad, really. I'm finally seeing myself for who I really am. I guess I'm just scared that everyone else will start to see it too. How can they like me if I hate me?

I can't stop talking about him as if he's still a part of my life. Every little thing reminds me of him. Everywhere I go, I either have memories with him, or am wishing I could be there with him. I can't be around other people because I all I want to do is talk about all the great things we did together and then I end up being sad and distant and make everyone worried.

I wrote a couple things late at night that I wanted to share. I'm not sure they should be public but they've been playing on my mind. I can't really explain what they are other than just raw. They were the only way to describe how I was - am- feeling:

1. Once a day I'd let my mind wander. I'd imagine the future we'd never have and the happiness I could never give him.Every single day |I'd sit with a smile on my face for a split second, before the truth came flooding back. I told myself those few moments of euphoria were worth the rotten aftertaste that came next. The fresh heartbreak of reminding myself I'd never have what I was dreaming of. I got used to lying to myself. It got me through the days.

2. I slept. Whenever I was alone, I slept. There's nothing more dangerous than being alone with your dark thoughts. I could sink into a slumber and for those few hours at a time, I wasn't in control of what I was thinking. I could escape reality and let my mind go numb. But waking up was the hardest part. For a half a second, as I slipped in to consciousness, everything was okay. But then I remembered. Every single detail all at once. That sinking feeling as my heart broke every time I woke up, knowing I couldn't avoid it. I couldn't sleep forever.

3. I wish I could call you. I don't have anything I want to say, I just want to know that you'd pick up. I think about years gone by, where I'd have called up your house phone and left a message telling you all the things I'm feeling right now. Instead I'm writing this down for nobody to see but me. It's so easy to ignore somebody when they're not in front of you. When you can delete a notification without reading a message. Hearing the hurt in somebody's voice is a million times harder to ignore. Especially if you loved them.