I, more than anyone, know that change is scary. I've changed schools countless times and changed both my physical appearance and my personality in an attempt to "fit in with the crowd". (Disclaimer: more often than not, they still won't like you. Even if they do, you feel shit because you're not your true self.) Yes, I'm aware that 90% of you just rolled your eyes at that line,

 but this may be one of very few topics I feel really quite confident talking about.

  I'd like to start by saying that I do NOT want sympathy. I'm not making this post as a way of getting any attention or pity,

 I simply want to try and reach out to those who may feel the same way as I do. Different.

  When you watch any movie, there are protagonists, i.e. Harry Potter, Luke Skywalker, Jack Sparrow. Those are the guys that everyone knows and loves. They tend to befriend the secondary characters, Obi Wan, Peeta Mellark, Amelia Pond. These characters seem to look up to the primary characters, often stepping up to the mark in an attempt to follow in the protagonist's footsteps. Then there are those of us who you can't even really name in films. The best example I can think of, that everyone will recognise, is Neville Longbottom.

Everyone knows Neville as

 "a friend of Harry, Ron and Hermione that did that one thing that one time". If you immediately understand where I'm going here, then I think you may be the Neville Longbottom of your friends.

  For those Harry's and Gwen Cooper's (100 nerd points if you know who she is), let me explain without the extended Harry Potter metaphor.
  Let's do a little role playing. Imagine a sidewalk and 3 friends. The sidewalk is about 3 people wide, agreed? Now, one would imagine that, in a pavement that can fit three people, that those three friends would spread out in a straight line along the sidewalk like so..

  THIS ISN'T THE CASE! What actually happens is that the natural hierarchy kicks in and we end up with the protagonist and secondary character up in front, while we Neville Longbottoms run around trying to avoid the puddles, not get run over by cars and let the old lady with her shopping trolley pass us, all while attepting to join in on whatever 1 and 2 are talking about.

  I'm starting to realise how very strange this has all become, but I think I may have gotten my point across. No? Maybe?

   Before I actually get to the point, I just want to point out that I don't think this is an intentional thing. Sometimes, as I'm metaphorically falling behind the others, I look at them and realise they don't even realise how I feel. However, as an almost silent tertiary character, I never speak up. Perhaps they haven't realised how I feel or, more often than this, I tell myself I am overreacting to the situation. Maybe I just don't notice it when I'm at the front and someone else is falling back. However, I recently found myself in a protagonist role and I immediately noticed they girl dropping back behind to make space for me and I felt terrible. At this point, I have no choice but to call it a semi-conscious thing and move past it.

This brings me to the whole "Renewal" part. I recently had a run in with a couple of the girls that I had went out of my way to try and please and it really opened my eyes (Again, in a totally non-cliché way). It felt surprisingly good to be told that I wasn't welcome. All of a sudden, I didn't have to be the person they wanted me to be, I could be whoever I wanted to be.

And I wanted to be something new. I always admired the whole "indie" scene, wishing I could find someone like that I could be friends with. However, I realised that I would have a lot more success if, instead of trying to seek someone out to befriend, I could become the person that I've secretly admired all this time. So I have. I've consciously changed my wardrobe, my bedroom decoration and my entire mindset. Except this time, its not to fit in with anyone else, it's to make myself happy. After all, friends may come and go, but I'll be stuck with ME for the rest of my life and I want to love the person I am. Those who love the real me will stay and those who don't, well, I don't need their negativity.